I wish I meant PHAT ( Pretty Hot And Tempting), You know the kind of fat that makes you happy and sing Lizzo songs. But I really mean I’m the fat mom the kind that hurts. As a girl mom, this hurts even more… I talk more about being a girl mom in The Broken Mom, (A letter to my daughters). Yes, I know this sounds mean and it seems like I’m down on myself but it’s true. And quite honestly how I think of myself in my own brain from time to time.
Getting rid of baby weight is all I can think of and at this point, I’m not even sure I can call it “baby weight”. As I’ve had most of it for years now. Does anybody know how long you can call it that? On one hand, I would love to divide and dedicate the additional pounds to each of my five daughters but that’s just not true. Of course, pregnancy added weight but so did I.
Before the Girls: Back Story
Ok yall, before babies I was a whopping 126lbs basically all boobs a couple of legs and some arms. ( don’t laugh) Then I became pregnant… I didn’t eat well and ate ALL the extra calories. I ended up not working and just going to school and gained a TON. At least 60lbs gained during pregnancy. But this weight looked good on me. Like I felt like a whole GROWN WOMAN after my first baby girl. Two years went by and here comes Makayla and Ariy 18 months apart with 80lbs gained. (yep you read that right)
I didn’t make time for working out or everybody’s new fav word SELFCARE. Engulfed in breastfeeding, books with sensory and keeping kids alive by feeding and making sure they didn’t kill themselves. After doing that for years it became lack of wanting to change my behaviors or my eating habits. Yall, my calories per day intake was cray! Like once you get used to eating mac and cheese and nuggets real food becomes… well real. When it came time to excercise I was sleep-deprived and that all adds up to weight gain. That was rough to come to terms with.
It’s often hard to think that I had anything to do with putting the pounds on. I really really want to lay the blame on everyone but me. Including Coney Island ( my fav place to eat during pregnancy), Magnums (my fav snack) and all the other people that took me to dinner while pregnant. Am I alone? I had to buck up and deal with the fact that weeks after giving birth when things settled I still made no plan to change.
I just wanted to snuggle with this new person that I grew inside of me for nine months. Like who really wants to get up and burn calories? #notme Getting rid of baby weight is hard to do and I am still struggling with it.
Can I be honest? Really honest and as real as possible with you guys on this? It’s not that I don’t love myself. I DO! I love ALL of me. Each pound and each stretch mark. I see myself as a Queen, a bright queen that can own any room she walks into. I know that God created me for a purpose and I am working to live up to it each day. Like I AM A WHOLD MOOD. (Beyonce Voice, <——–link for mood )
But then I don’t, and those thoughts alone swirl in my head as I walk through life as the fat mom. I walk in rooms and evaluate myself based on other moms who have managed to get back to pre-pregnancy weight or leave with no stretch marks. ( Sending love to each of you) I Buy my clothes in the manner of Hate the most, Hate less and just hate.
I am constantly pulling down my shirt worried about what to wear and who will see my rolls. Its literally tiring, and some days are definitely worse than others. Most of the times its when I’m hormonal and in my feelings. Other times Its when I’m not feeling as confident in a room full of women, whom in my mind are judging me.
Its All In My HEAD
Some days I can listen to a Lizzo song and get hype about my beauty and all that comes with it. I even get cute and love on myself with a mani-pedi, getting my eyebrows done and maybe even a little make-up but it still comes back to me.
Swirling in my head that your not pretty enough. Ugh, yes you cute…But why can’t you lose the weight for real? These are my real thoughts. I had to shake them off. If I stayed in the headspace I’m not sure where it would have taken me.
These are bad thoughts! How often do I think about throwing myself on a crash diet, only eating healthy snacks and getting a personal trainer? EVERYDAY! Then life sets back in and I remember that I have five girls that need my attention. Five girls whos schedules supersede mine a business that I am trying to build. And so many other things on my evergrowing list of to-dos that aren’t LOSING WEIGHT. A couple of months go by and I am back in the cycle of what’s more important to me.
Since our last baby girl
It’s now been a year since I had Anastasia (our 5th daughter) and I am just now getting some normalcy with eating food and showering regularly. (catch that) How does one fit in a daily workout routine when your babes rule your time? The pure thought of loading more clothes in the washer or dryer tires me. But I guess you have to start somewhere.
I still have not returned to my pre-baby weight or healthy weight for that matter. I thought as a breastfeeding mom the weight would come off. Milk production is supposed to help with that. And it did but I gained those pounds right back. I tried to stay active with physical activity but couldn’t stick with it.
Affect of Baby weight Gain On My Marriage, Dating & Sex
Oh, how my husband loves me. He says all the loving things like ” Babe, you look beautiful just the way you are” and ” you’ll get back, you just had a baby give yourself some grace”. But, in my mind every time he looks at me he’s thinking something about me in a negative manner. Or wishing that he had his old wife that was EXTRA CUTE(extra extra) and confident even if she was wearing a trash bag. I did think I was all that! Note: I still do.
Some days its self talk like “girl you look great in that romper. Even with your rounded belly”. Its also means staring in his eyes while thinking ” this is why I have to get rid of the baby weight in the first place.” To share more of these moments and not be all in my head.
Yes, girl sex in a marriage is extra important and when you are in your head it can get tricky. I have to shake the mental details in my head a tend to my marriage. This gives me an excuse to get cute and put on my freak ’em dress and feel all the good vibes about myself. I love loving on me and I love dressing up for him to notice me.
I can get rid of the baby weight, I know I can
The difficulty is there is no quick fix. While I desperately wish that I could lose the baby weight just by thinking or saying ” baby weight be gone”! It’s not that easy and it never will be. I just want to be happy and I can’t let the world tell me that if I increase in weight. My confidence must decrease my sex appeal plummets and the only plus I can have is in my clothing. Not anymore. I am working on it ladies. Please be my accountability group! #Ineedit
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The All-Purpose Woman