Best-friends Share!

The struggle of building a mother-daughter relationship. And finding the pulse to the mother-daughter FRIENDSHIP.

Dear Daughters, 

I wish that I could sum this up for you in a few short words, or play a song for you that covers how I feel. I wish that this letter never had to be written and that my past didn’t affect how I love you. There is a piece of mommy that is broken and I have tried to patch the brokenness and cover it with beautiful pieces of loving you harder and harder! I even tried to forget the things and people that broke me.

Laughing and joking the pain away…quietly wiping away tears of un-forgiveness and pain in my most joyous and saddest moments. Quietly saying prayers that stuff the wounds of my broken childhood. Purposely ignoring thoughts and pushing pass feelings to ensure that I am the perfect picture of a mother.

Somehow, my dear daughter, the feelings continue to present themselves to me at the oddest of times. In my happiest moments, I still feel a sense of emptiness as a broken mom. In my sad moments, I am faced with a quick flash of the pain that I brush off and let pass; as I don’t wont to face it. Covering up for those that have hurt me, simply because I don’t want to hurt them…But each time I look at you growing, learning and becoming the woman you will be and I am reminded of what I didn’t have and what I HAVE TO DO in being your mother! 

Honestly, I am afraid that my brokenness will break you as I don’t know if what I am doing is right. Afraid that one day you’ll be writing an open letter to your daughter and facing the problems that I wrapped in a bow and presented to you as a gift. 

I’ve erased and typed, typed and erased the words to say to you on multiple occasions and on many different forms of communication. Never being strong enough to face the emotions that come with it, I stop in my tracks. There are so many things that I want to say to ensure that you can fully understand what I feel when mothering you. I know that this letter will not fully embody what I am trying to convey. This will come with time and experience on all fronts. You may not understand until you have a child of your own. But I have to share with you both for me and for you.

I wish I knew where to start exactly… 

I am not one to complain about the things that have happen in my life. Never making the tragedy part of my story the one things that people remember when they meet me. Instead, I struggle quietly and quickly with one or two people hearing my triumphs and my TRIALS. Washing away my own feeling to tend to those around me… building them and being a bright light when I walk in a room is where I focus. Even though I can sometimes be blinded by own darkness OF BEING BROKEN, I still press forward.

So here it is… here is where change begins for us both!

I knew early on that my mother-daughter relationship was unlike those around me. Its always been like God bless me with my mom to watch over her instead of her watching over me. I can remember as early as kindergarten watching the others play freely while I worried if my mother would be there to pick me up EVERY day. ( I really cried EVERY DAY.. they had to bring a picture of my mother to class for me to stay calm) and that should have been a trigger for my mother as I wasn’t a crier. I now realize that I worried for her safety even at such a tender age. Deep down I knew that at any moment she could be taken from me and eventually she was. God has given me an intrinsic ability to feel and see when things before thet are coming and this was an early example of that!

I had twelve years with my mother and by with I mean in the same home where she was the sole provider. I experienced soooooooooo much as a child and really believe I blocked out a few things to ensure my sanity. We went through domestic violence, men, drugs and ultimately incarceration. I can honestly tell you that all those experiences shaped me into the mother I am to you today and the broken mother I have to let go of.

My mother left… some would say taken as she went to jail but I really believe that she made choices that put her in bad situations and it all caught up with her. (surviving her past) Yep, after living with my over/under protective mother for 12 years I was taken to my grandma’s house and left there with your 3 uncles. Mind you at that time we hadn’t spent much time with our fathers side of the family, visited but always went back home.

Thank God for family taking us in but after that day I would never have a HOME again. And home for me wasn’t just a place to put my things but a home for growing…a home for having room to make a mistake and be taught a life lesson from it. A home where I could grow into a woman softly and in stages… a home that let me release my anger when I needed to and to put me back in my place… A home that went from mother-daughter to… daughter-friend By home I mean a…mother.

I had to quickly get it together, I mean I had three younger brothers to look after. I had to take my feeling and my tears and throw them away as I didn’t need them anymore. I thought they would only hinder me in the journey that I had before me and sometimes that proved to be right. I moved from place to place always looking for home… always thinking that those around me had it; so I continued my search on more than a few family members couches and extra beds… I even tried a couple friend but none of them were home.

If I could draw two occasions that really affected me…

The first was being in 11th grade I had a concert to sing….it was such a BIG deal to me I practiced and practiced. That night I stayed with my mother as she was closer to the place I had to sing the next day. I got up, got dressed and was ready to face the day! This was one of our first real encounters after she had come home from incarceration.

She got up with me and made sure that I got to the place (dropped off at the door) but she then rode away and left me there, didn’t ask how I would get home or If I had even wanted her to stay with me. All the emotions from the day I was left at my grandmas house came flooding back. I had to go to the bathroom to cry before I could go check in. I’ve never told anyone this and in saying it I am healing ! Honestly, it scares me to face those emotions but I have to for you!

The second would be when I was preparing to marry your father, we all have seen the movies and heard from friends about planning and finding the right dress. Well, mommy was on a mission to get that dress and I had to drive all the way to Kalamazoo Michigan (hours away). I called my mother and asked her if she wanted to go, and she said… no! So many thoughts, but as always I sucked it up and went with those around me that felt like home.

The impact of these two moments and soooooo many more BROKE ME!

I am just now in a place where I can fully receive Gods healing from the pain of my past. All my bumps and bruises bring me to you, sometimes I get stuck on what to say and how to say it to you. My words seem to jam in my mouth. I have a quick flash of pain because I can’t draw on my childhood memories of the mother-daughter talks I had. Or the hard lessons I had to learn from the teachings of my mother. Mostly I lack the little nuggets dropped during dinner or girl time as we painted our nails together. 

I know that I am CRAZILY overprotective of you!

I want to know where you are and what you’re doing at all times. This comes from me being pretty much free to do what I please and knowing that I didn’t always make the right decisions.

I am sometimes withdrawn! I feel like I may be harder on you because I had to make really hard life choices alone at an early age. It may feel like tough love because thats all I have to give at that mommet. 

On the other hand it may seem like I want to force family memories and for us to always be together. I have a picture of what a family is supposed to look like and I am taking it out on you. I don’t know when to relax and let it happen organically as I want to ensure that you know that you have a HOME! 

I can only draw from the picture of the relationship that I made up in my mind as a broken mom. I can only draw on what I want for you… the prayers I pray for you and my hope that GOD covers you for all your days! 

The love I have for you runs deep and could only be explained as unexplainable. There are no conditions on love, there is no one in this world that could change my view of you! Or the promise that was placed on you before the foundations of the earth. But that same crazy love that I extend to you was not extended to me. 

Please be patient with me as I have found the strength to heal with GOds LOVE for me. And simply to be the place that you know as home and the person that you know as mother.

I want you to know that above all GOD orchestrated my life! He fashioned and form me just for you, and has kept me all my years! Now I have to be strong enough to remove past hurts so that I can be an even better mother to you.

purposely,

The All Purpose Woman