Best-friends Share!

Dear postpartum

I’ve waited 9 months for you.

I longed for you, I wanted you so badly, I dreamed of your arrival. Lovingly, touching my belly delicately thinking of the day that I would meet back up with you. I fantasized about the day that it would be just you and I.

You were just the goal I needed to get me through the depressive thoughts I had to work through for the past nine months.

Finally, I make it to you…

Black mom postpartum photo

Honestly, I dwelled on the thought of reaching you. The blissfully busy side of the pregnancy rainbow.

You hit me like a ton of brick. After the high of holding our new baby girl, I quickly felt your presence. The pain of just having baby, the weight of all that comes with a newborn, and of course the new postpartum body that I’m left with.

I now begrudgingly rub the new lifeless belly that I’m left with that doesn’t look like the quick snapbacks from the internet. It’s now scarred with stretch marks, discolored like tie-dye with the wrinkles of worry left behind. Its still round like the baby that I carried lefts all of its luggage behind.

As you know during my pregnancy, I worried about all the risk factors. I worried about returning to my family and friends due to a misdiagnosis or something going wrong during delivery. These thoughts haunted me but the light at the end of the tunnel was you, postpartum.

Nobody told me that you could have depressive, anxious, and flat out scary thoughts during your pregnancy. I hadn’t experienced this until this last pregnancy.

I thought that all the worry would wash away with the birth of our baby girl. But I feel even more worried, discouraged, and inundated with thoughts of what could be waiting around the postpartum corner for me.

Did you know most women only speak about you in private? Struggling silently through thoughts and emotions one never knew they could have. It’s only been 10 days since we’ve met again and I keep thinking your best friend postpartum depression is lurking around the corner for me.

The symptoms of postpartum depression ring loudly in my head after each thought of anger or even the uncertain tears that I’ve cried thus far. I am full of emotions and I am not sure where to pack them. They come rushing in like a swift wave while taking care of baby, showering, or even while eating dinner.

Sometimes there is no way to hide the swift push of emotion that comes with you postpartum. When the tears, anger, or fear quickly fall… I must just as swiftly wipe them from my eyes and continue caring for children, continue a zoom call, or at the very least nurse baby.

I’m still hoping for the best. Praying, I would feel strong, empowered, and ready to take on motherhood again with each prayer.

Praying past the emotions I feel:

I feel like I fell from grace. I went from a glowing beautiful goddess that carried life inside of her. Wearing all the things that fit the curve of this growing blessing. To… Looking in the mirror and hating what I see; touching, staring, and holding my belly in a negative way. Wishing and hoping that I wouldn’t look or feel tired or crazy.

Praying that the man I love, still loved me no matter how many times he told me. No matter what his pure loving actions showed. How does one fall so deeply? How does the fall from grace happen so quickly? How did I not know you could hit me so hard?

Silence. The silence is deafening

When it comes to the REAL issues of motherhood. We are not sharing our stories about you. No mother wants the world to know their friends with you. No matter what the circumstance. Every depressive thought or unhappy emotions is swept under the rug, left there for no one to see.

We are sworn to secrecy by a society that tells us you should snap back in no time. Happiness is your only option, save those tears for when you are alone because motherhood is a battle that you must fight on your own.

With each sweet smile from my baby girl, each happy thought I wonder if I can keep up. If I can keep the tears at bay, If I’m going to get past postpartum depression, anxiety, mood swings, baby blues, and the host of other risks of postpartum depression.

I have to tell you, I know I can get past this. I know I can get help

I dont have to do this alone

I can see a mental health professional or join a support group.

Most of all I can tell my story about the last time we met and help another mama when it’s her turn to meet you.

I can reach out to family members if I’m feeling depressed. I can lean on my mom tribe to answer questions about the display of any signs or symptoms that would be harmful to myself or baby.

So in closing postpartum, you ARE something to look forward to. The best way to meet you is to be fully prepared with the knowledge of mothers of both past and present. We each can patiently wait for your arrival and move forward one day and one step at a time.

Don’t Suffer In Silence:

There are resources, discussions, support groups, professionals and so much more. Get help when/if you need it.

CHECK THESE OUT TOO!

I got a full view of Antenatal depression after speaking with Kelli on our podcast.

{You can read more about my pregnancy journey HERE, and you can also hear hubby’s version of our birth story HERE}

{You can learn more: HERE} 

Learn more about my breastfeeding journey HERE

Purposely,

The All Purpose Woman